I am really struggling with body image today. Hate is a strong word but today I feel like I hate my body – the one that currently has a cast on one leg & is 30 pounds overweight. (I know my body is mostly healthy & grew humans & has done miraculous things, blah, blah, blah but please don’t tell me that today)
I am mad that I have thyroid disease & I am mad that I currently can’t work out.
I love social media – I love following friends, celebs, boutiques, & furniture shops. But you know what I know? That I probably would not be feeling quite as badly about myself as I do today if I didn’t have thousands of pics at my fingertips of perfect, thin girls all over my social media feeds. With their flawless skin & great clothes & amazing adventures. I know some of you have to feel this way sometimes too so that’s why I am putting it out there. It’s okay to take a little social media fast from time to time.
I’m in my feelings today & that’s okay, I just can’t get stuck there. One thing that always helps me is making a gratitude list. I know, it’s so cliche & AAish but it really works. When I make one, I try to list everything individually like not just say “my kids” but list Lawson & then list Bella & not just list “my parents” but list Billy then list Sheryl. You get the picture.
I have so much to be grateful for & gracious alive, I know there are much worse things than a season of discontent over your body but this is my current season & it’s okay. Your feelings are your feelings & when you have feelings, you have to own them & work through them.
Annie F. Downs is having a day like this too. She did an Instagram post that had me going “me too, girl” Follow her if you don’t already & check it out.
Where did all this start you ask? Like many others with body issues it started for me when I was a kid. I was a fat kid & when I was in first grade, my grandmother chopped my hair off in a bowl cut cause you know what is cuter than a chubby six year old with a bowl cut? 🤦🏽♀️It’s sad to think about 6 year olds knowing they aren’t the right size. You know – the size culture say we should be. Culture has one for every stage of life.
By 5th grade I had grown taller & lost my baby fat. In high school I was always dieting for fear of it all coming back. There is a lot more wrapped up in this but I will blog about that another day. By 11th grade I could wear a size 4. WTH? My body was seriously not created to be that size. When God was handing out sizes I was in the solid 8/10 group. I maintained through college & married life & then had a kid & then had another & I’m happy for all those people that got their pre-baby body back (Princess Kate, I’m looking at you) but that did not happen to me. And not because of neglect on my part – it just didn’t happen. I did get back to my pre baby size but my body was forever altered. My little darlings are worth it though right? Then three years ago I went to the doctor because my eating & exercise patterns had not changed but I had gained weight & it would NOT come off.
My doctor did all the tests & told me I have thyroid disease & that is the reason for my weight gain & why it’s hard to get the extra weight off. She gave me a stimulant & my extra 30 pounds dropped off. But when my prescription ran out, the weight came back regardless of my workout regimen or eating habits. I don’t have a perfect diet but I was not eating fried foods or processed foods or drinking 6 packs of coke so I was baffled at what was happening.
So fast forward to now & I want to lose 30 pounds again. Geez, that’s a lot. My foot is in a cast so I have not exercised in 4 weeks & I need to know what has worked for anyone that has ever lost weight. Was it “It works” or “Shakeology” or “Arbonne” or “Weight Watchers” or “Nutrisystem” or just leaving off kale & water? I know how to work out but I apparently don’t know how to eat well so nutritionists are welcome here too.
My workout life is solid. I started working out in college & have never stopped. Back in the day it was a lot of aerobics – I even taught some classes & subbed a lot & then I got into boot camps & 4 years ago, I found an incredible class that goes Year round & never stops. It’s been a dream & there is a core group of us that have been doing it non-stop & it’s more than a great workout – it’s great fellowship. All that to say, I love working out, I love a challenge & I am competitive so a group setting is my fave & where I push myself the most.
It seems I just need a meal plan & not one that costs a million dollars or $400. Feel free to share yours if you have a good one!
That’s a lot of sharing for one day so I am signing off but if you like the things I write, please sign up to follow my blog so you don’t miss a post. This has been Real Talk Friday.
All my best,